Guilt doesn't serve us
Has guilt ever been a guiding force in your life? I sort of laugh, even as I write out the question, because, in our culture, of course guilt plays a role, at least from time to time.
Our parents used it; our teachers used it; our best friends used it; we use it. Guilt can be a strong motivator. It can keep us on the straight and narrow, which used to be a description of the preferred mode of conduct.
But it’s rooted in controlling others. Our mothers and teachers were hoping to control some behavior of ours that they felt was undesirable. Same with our best friends. And the same with us. If we use guilt against other people, we’re trying to control their behavior.
Guilt can also be a very subtle thing. As we grow and mature, we can become more refined in our use of guilt. No one would hardly even notice that it’s there, except that something doesn’t feel quite right; something’s not quite happy.
So we can watch ourselves; we can pay attention to the instances that trigger our use of guilt. We can step back from those instances that trigger our use of guilt, detach ourselves somewhat, and observe. What triggered it? What were we trying to accomplish? Why did we feel hindered so that we couldn’t be open and honest?
Then we can change.
So it is possible to practice self-awareness and shift that habit of using guilt in order to control someone else’s behavior. That one’s not quite so hard to detect and correct.
But then there’s the other side of the coin. What do we do when we feel guilty? It might be that someone is using guilt against us, but that’s oftentimes easier to detect. When something is detectable, it is changeable. We can come up with action plans to counteract someone laying a guilt trip on us. Avoid that person. Laugh it off. Bring the underlying issues out into the open. Trial and error. What works with that particular person, to change the interaction into something more positive? It can be a slow process, but if the relationship is worth it, we can shift things for the better.
But the more insidious strain of guilt is the kind that exists only in our own head. It’s the guilt that we set down upon ourselves and carry around with us. Oftentimes, we carry it around continuously, and add stuff to it as we move through our day. It can get pretty big and unwieldy, like a big gunny sack of squash, clumbering around, using up lots of our energy, encumbering even the smallest aspiration. We probably don’t know that we’re doing it or how to stop.
But here’s the clue that can help us dump out all those squash and either make something delicious out of them or put them on the compost heap: guilt is not one of the eight manifestations of God.
I love the eight manifestations of God. They offer a powerful guideline of how to live a life that is pleasing to God. When we are working with love or joy, calmness or wisdom, we are moving toward God. When we are working with anger or hate, regret or guilt, we are moving away from God. Said another way, guilt won’t take us anywhere that we want to be.
When I feel guilty, I see if I can shift the thought, slightly, to something more comfortable, something that gives me a sense of relief.
“I can’t believe that I ate another peanut butter cookie! Well, I ate fewer today than I ate yesterday. It’s hard for me to resist them, once they’re in the house. But it’s not hard to resist them on the grocer’s shelf. That’s where I’ll focus my self-control next time; I just won’t bring them home next time.”
I’ve shifted the energy from guilt toward power, with a bit of wisdom thrown in. I’ve come up with an action plan that is realistic and gives me confidence, because I know that it’s true: I really can resist them on the grocer’s shelf, so this really will work. My heart has a little hum of joy, and I’m standing on solid ground.
When I’m faced with a stronger guilt, I sometimes use Scarlett O’Hara’s wisdom.
“I shouldn’t have said that to my mother 47 years ago, because now I can’t take it back.” Well, for this one, I guide my thoughts away from what I said and how she reacted. Because nothing can be done to correct it, and more importantly, every time I think about it, adding specific details and memorable nuances to make the guilt even more exquisite, I give it energy and keep it vibrant in my memory banks.
So “I won’t think about that now; I’ll think about that tomorrow” becomes wisdom from the most unlikely source. Cutting the energy threads between myself and the thing that I wish I had not done allows it to float away and moves a particularly rotten squash out of my gunny sack and onto the compost heap, where it can go on to a more productive phase, a learning phase.
Has guilt ever been a guiding force in your life?
Has guilt ever been useful to you?
Has guilt ever taken you where you want to be?
Our parents used it; our teachers used it; our best friends used it; we use it. Guilt can be a strong motivator. It can keep us on the straight and narrow, which used to be a description of the preferred mode of conduct.
But it’s rooted in controlling others. Our mothers and teachers were hoping to control some behavior of ours that they felt was undesirable. Same with our best friends. And the same with us. If we use guilt against other people, we’re trying to control their behavior.
Guilt can also be a very subtle thing. As we grow and mature, we can become more refined in our use of guilt. No one would hardly even notice that it’s there, except that something doesn’t feel quite right; something’s not quite happy.
So we can watch ourselves; we can pay attention to the instances that trigger our use of guilt. We can step back from those instances that trigger our use of guilt, detach ourselves somewhat, and observe. What triggered it? What were we trying to accomplish? Why did we feel hindered so that we couldn’t be open and honest?
Then we can change.
So it is possible to practice self-awareness and shift that habit of using guilt in order to control someone else’s behavior. That one’s not quite so hard to detect and correct.
But then there’s the other side of the coin. What do we do when we feel guilty? It might be that someone is using guilt against us, but that’s oftentimes easier to detect. When something is detectable, it is changeable. We can come up with action plans to counteract someone laying a guilt trip on us. Avoid that person. Laugh it off. Bring the underlying issues out into the open. Trial and error. What works with that particular person, to change the interaction into something more positive? It can be a slow process, but if the relationship is worth it, we can shift things for the better.
But the more insidious strain of guilt is the kind that exists only in our own head. It’s the guilt that we set down upon ourselves and carry around with us. Oftentimes, we carry it around continuously, and add stuff to it as we move through our day. It can get pretty big and unwieldy, like a big gunny sack of squash, clumbering around, using up lots of our energy, encumbering even the smallest aspiration. We probably don’t know that we’re doing it or how to stop.
But here’s the clue that can help us dump out all those squash and either make something delicious out of them or put them on the compost heap: guilt is not one of the eight manifestations of God.
I love the eight manifestations of God. They offer a powerful guideline of how to live a life that is pleasing to God. When we are working with love or joy, calmness or wisdom, we are moving toward God. When we are working with anger or hate, regret or guilt, we are moving away from God. Said another way, guilt won’t take us anywhere that we want to be.
When I feel guilty, I see if I can shift the thought, slightly, to something more comfortable, something that gives me a sense of relief.
“I can’t believe that I ate another peanut butter cookie! Well, I ate fewer today than I ate yesterday. It’s hard for me to resist them, once they’re in the house. But it’s not hard to resist them on the grocer’s shelf. That’s where I’ll focus my self-control next time; I just won’t bring them home next time.”
I’ve shifted the energy from guilt toward power, with a bit of wisdom thrown in. I’ve come up with an action plan that is realistic and gives me confidence, because I know that it’s true: I really can resist them on the grocer’s shelf, so this really will work. My heart has a little hum of joy, and I’m standing on solid ground.
When I’m faced with a stronger guilt, I sometimes use Scarlett O’Hara’s wisdom.
“I shouldn’t have said that to my mother 47 years ago, because now I can’t take it back.” Well, for this one, I guide my thoughts away from what I said and how she reacted. Because nothing can be done to correct it, and more importantly, every time I think about it, adding specific details and memorable nuances to make the guilt even more exquisite, I give it energy and keep it vibrant in my memory banks.
So “I won’t think about that now; I’ll think about that tomorrow” becomes wisdom from the most unlikely source. Cutting the energy threads between myself and the thing that I wish I had not done allows it to float away and moves a particularly rotten squash out of my gunny sack and onto the compost heap, where it can go on to a more productive phase, a learning phase.
Has guilt ever been a guiding force in your life?
Has guilt ever been useful to you?
Has guilt ever taken you where you want to be?